Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Digital Art / Hobbyist KuudereMale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 1 Year
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 205 Deviations 430 Comments 2,848 Pageviews
×

Newest Deviations

Literature
Anxiety, Depression, Suicide, and The Future.
(NOTE: Claire, if you start reading this before we have that chance to talk, I ask that you stop until we can talk, I'd rather you find out through me IRL rather than some journal I make on DA. However, if you *must* read on, so be it. You're amazing Claire <3)
Hello everyone, my name is CenaKat. Though some of you may know me by some of my nicknames, such as Kuudere, or Kriss Neo, or you may simply know me as Ian, my name. Very recently I feel like my life, I've been starting to slide downhill again. I don't know why. I have the best church family in the world, I have the absolute best friends in the world (Lookin' at you Aud, Claire, and Cady ofc.) and I have the absolute most phenomenal girlfriend ever. But... why... why do I feel like I'm falling apart? I'm going to explain some things to all y'all, and at the same time I'm going to try and discover why I feel like I do. I'm more than likely going to detail everything in the title. However, the future shouldn't be that bl
:iconCenaKat:CenaKat
:iconcenakat:CenaKat 0 0
Can We Stay Like This Forever? by CenaKat Can We Stay Like This Forever? :iconcenakat:CenaKat 2 0 This is my Runabout. by CenaKat This is my Runabout. :iconcenakat:CenaKat 0 0
Literature
The Ruxomar Resurgence Vol. 2 Ch. 8 'ATLAS' Pt. 1
Passage of time: 16 hours.
Present Stardate: 93648.5
"Captain, we are approaching Starbase 57." "Thank you, Claire. Signal Rodin and his ships to drop out of warp. Begin our approach." The Athens, along with Rodin's lead ship docked at Starbase 57. Logan and his senior officers, along with Rodin and his escort officer made their way to the briefing room where they met with Admiral Okawa and several other senior officers from both the Ruxomar military and the Federation.
"Now that everyone is here, we may begin this meeting." Everyone took their seats. "Last night we sent a scout ship to the colony aforementioned. The reason it went off the grid, is because it's no longer there. The scout ship was able to extrapolate a course that their ships took, they followed it. It led them to an unexplored system. The Eridinians have built themselves a construction and distribution base, dubbed 'ATLAS', orbiting the 4th planet in the system, for now we're referring to that system as the Atlas syste
:iconCenaKat:CenaKat
:iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 0
R.X.S. Athens Scehmatic/Reference by CenaKat R.X.S. Athens Scehmatic/Reference :iconcenakat:CenaKat 2 3
Literature
The Ruxomar Resurgence Vol. 2 Ch. 7: 'Zakarri'
"Captain, we are now approaching Zakarri 6.  Sir... I'm not detecting any ships on sensors."  "Keep scanning.  Jade, take us to yellow alert, raise the shields, just in case."  "Aye Sir."  "According to the location we received the distress call from, we should be right on top of it.  However, I'm still not detecting any ships in the system."  "I don't like this, Logan."  "Neither do I, Claire."  "Captain! I'm detecting a ship on an intercept course!  It's shields are raised and it's weapons are armed!"  "Red Alert!  Jade, try to hail them."  "Aye, no response."  "They're firing!"  The unknown ship targeted the Athens port side.  "No damage, captain.  They seem to have cloaked."  "Keep an eye out for them. Maintain red alert."  
"Captain, they're back!  They have a lock on our engines.  No damage."  "Return the favor, target they're engines, and disable their ship."  "Aye
:iconCenaKat:CenaKat
:iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 6
You Are Only The Best, Until... by CenaKat You Are Only The Best, Until... :iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 0
Literature
The Ruxomar Resurgence Vol.2 Ch.6. 'Ping Pong'
Passage of Time:  Approximately 3 weeks.
No major events have occurred.
Current Stardate is now 93645.16
Logan Kuro is asleep in his quarters, when his intercom system alerted him to an incoming message.  Logan got up and activated his terminal.  "Captain Kuro here.  What can I do for you, Admiral?" Logan said, still waking up.  "Logan, please come to my office as soon as you can.  Bring a cup of coffee with you."  "Aye, sir.  I'll be down in 10 minutes."  Logan changed into his uniform and made his way to the Admiral's office.  "Come in."  "Good morning, Logan.  Let's get to business.  Construction on the Athens is scheduled to be completed by the end of this week.  However, today, you will be taking the Athens on it's shakedown cruise."  The Admiral handed him a PADD.  "I've approved your first official mission to head to Ruxomar 5 to pick up a very special member of your crew.  Jade's cat, Ping Pong
:iconCenaKat:CenaKat
:iconcenakat:CenaKat 2 3
AJ Styles Custom Entrance (WIP) 2 by CenaKat AJ Styles Custom Entrance (WIP) 2 :iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 3 AJ Styles Custom Entrance (WIP) by CenaKat AJ Styles Custom Entrance (WIP) :iconcenakat:CenaKat 2 0
Literature
The Ruxomar Resurgence Vol.2 Ch.5 'Connections'
"So uh... what is this program you've been working on?"  Claire asked, with a glimmer of interest in her eyes.  "It's an old human form of entertainment, it's called 'Wrestling'.  To put it short and simple, people fight in a square-shaped ring.  It's a lot more intricate, so I'll explain some on the way there.  There's a lot of different promotions; WWE, TNA Impact, Ring of Honor, and New Japan are amongst the most popular.  So are you still interested?"  "It sounds... different, but it sounds fun. Well, come on, lets get going!"  "So this event we're going to is called 'SmackDown Live', it's hosted by the WWE.  This event takes place on Earth date Dec 6th, 2016.  WWE hosts it's shows in different cities each Monday and Tuesday, this one was hosted in a large city called Houston.  You'll see more when we get there.  So basically the rules are, two people are in the ring, fighting each other, until someone can pin or make the
:iconCenaKat:CenaKat
:iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 3
(SNEAK PEEK) The Remnants of Despair VS. 201-G by CenaKat (SNEAK PEEK) The Remnants of Despair VS. 201-G :iconcenakat:CenaKat 2 7 The Best by CenaKat The Best :iconcenakat:CenaKat 3 6 Black and Blue by CenaKat Black and Blue :iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 0 Murder Melody (2) by CenaKat Murder Melody (2) :iconcenakat:CenaKat 2 0
Literature
The Ruxomar Resurgence Vol.2 Ch.4 'Formation' Pt 2
"Docking complete, Captain.  Initiating preparation procedures for total power down."  "Thank you, lieutenant." The Captain said, glancing around the interior of the base.  Claire walked onto the bridge and tapped Logan's shoulder.  "She's huge, isn't she?"  "She's massive.  She's ours, Claire."  "She looks absolutely amazing!"  Teva piped in, from across the bridge.  "Sorry to interrupt you two's little romance over the Athens, but I believe we're due on board Starbase 57."  "You're right, thanks for the reminder."  Logan switched on his communicator for a ship-wide broadcast. "Attention All Hands, this is Captain Reiko, you have 30 minutes until the ship is completely powered down.  You have that long to vacate the ship.  By now, you all know the other reason we're here, so I'd like to give the man of the hour a chance to speak."  Reiko gestured to Logan to begin.  "Everyone, it has been my honor to serve on b
:iconCenaKat:CenaKat
:iconcenakat:CenaKat 1 5

Commissions

Calligraphy - Quotes and Lyrics
I don't consider this traditional Calligraphy.  I will draw your favorite quote, or song lyrics, in the Gothic Textura Quadrata* font.  I start out making the letters in pencil so I can correct any errors, straighten lines, etc.  Then I use a sharpie pen* and go over the letters.  I usually fill in with a sharpie.*  

*I can attempt to do other fonts if you provide a link to them so I can have a reference.  I'm the most experienced in basic and GTQ.

**I can use basic pen, or other sort of utensils at request, but please be aware, I am VERY tight on money and items available to me to use.

***Again,  I can fill in with another utensil, or leave blank at request.  Please remember my last notes warning.

****If you request a paper copy for yourself,  I will scan it to my computer end email that to you, you may print it out at your location.  My reason for this is that I do not want to be responsible for having others addresses, nor do I have the money to mail items out.

*****For now, I will only do quotes up to 4 pages.  My reason being is my time.  I just wont have time to do that, unless of course you are willing to wait a month or so.

Groups

This user is not currently part of any groups.

deviantID

CenaKat's Profile Picture
CenaKat
Kuudere
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
United States
DevID pic made by my girlfriend, the phenomenal Claire Lotas!

I like anime, and also coffee.
.............♥...
.........♥.......♥ Put
.....♥...............♥ This
...♥....................♥ On
..♥......................♥ Your
.♥........................♥... ......♥....♥ Page
♥.........................♥... ♥.............♥ If
.♥.........................♥.. .................♥ You
..♥.........................♥. ................♥ Love
...♥......................... ................♥someone
.....♥....................... .............♥
........♥.................... .........♥
............♥................ .....♥
...............♥............. .♥
..................♥.........♥
....................♥.....♥
.......................♥
......................♥
.....................♥

Interests

Activity


Camp is in 2 weeks - tbh I'm not very excited for it... *sigh*
Sometimes, things just go crazy. Sometimes they don't. Tonight was a mix.
I've been watching a show called Miraculous. I really like it XD
I've finally found something that describes me. It would mean a lot if you could take the time to read this! The whole thing about anxiety and feeling like everyone is going to leave, that's what I feel. Please take the time to read this...
social.diply.com/guy-handles-g…
I have the most amazing girlfriend ever. I kinda had a little freakout a bit ago, and (as always) she made me happy and made me smile and calmed me down. Happy 6 months, Claire! (I <3 youuu)
Today marks 6 months that Claire and I have been together!!! It's been like, the best 6 months of my life. Claire, you are an amazing person! You're always there when I need you, you always seem to be able to brighten up my days when I need it, you can always make me laugh, and you're just all around phenomenal! ... ... I was gonna do a drawing for you... I worked on it for like 4 1/2 hours last night... but I quit it cus I couldn't get it right...
In just 2 short days, Claire and I will have officially been dating for 6 months... that's a lot XD So yeah, I am planning on doing something special for her tho
Sometimes Claire and I go on sprees of sending cute little heart emoji's to each other XD
I swear, someone better play Skillet - Not Gonna Die Tonight at my funeral.
The last thing I heard...
was you whispering "goodbye"...
and then I heard you flatline!

No, not gonna die tonight
We've gotta stand and fight forever (don't close your eyes)
No, not gonna die tonight
We've gotta fight for us together
No, we're not gonna die tonight
(NOTE: Claire, if you start reading this before we have that chance to talk, I ask that you stop until we can talk, I'd rather you find out through me IRL rather than some journal I make on DA. However, if you *must* read on, so be it. You're amazing Claire <3)

Hello everyone, my name is CenaKat. Though some of you may know me by some of my nicknames, such as Kuudere, or Kriss Neo, or you may simply know me as Ian, my name. Very recently I feel like my life, I've been starting to slide downhill again. I don't know why. I have the best church family in the world, I have the absolute best friends in the world (Lookin' at you Aud, Claire, and Cady ofc.) and I have the absolute most phenomenal girlfriend ever. But... why... why do I feel like I'm falling apart? I'm going to explain some things to all y'all, and at the same time I'm going to try and discover why I feel like I do. I'm more than likely going to detail everything in the title. However, the future shouldn't be that bleak.

First off, everything bad.  
Anxiety, Depression, Suicide. (This first section mostly details Depression and Suicide.)

When I was younger I suffered with really, REALLY bad depression. Enough to prompt me to attempt to kill myself (we'll get to that later). Ever since 2008 I have been living under a parent who is constantly drunk, mentally and verbally abuse, and to be perfectly honest, a tyrant. To be honest, that is what he is; a "cruel and oppressive ruler/leader." My mother... what to say about her... she tries her best, but she can't really do much. She has a smoking addiction, and she has several mental and physical ailments that make her unable to do a lot of things we, the ones who don't have those sort of things, able to do. Growing up, I never really had any friends until I met Ashlynne in 2010/2011. She is still a great friend of mine, but since I moved to Texas I feel like we're not as close. We dont talk super often (once a week or so... maybe every 2). My father ruined several holidays back in Arizona, and she would always be there for me. When I moved to Texas back in 2012, I lost that. I lost my sense of security. (Note, I am a Christian, and I was at this time. I just... wasn't faithful.) When I moved to Texas, I knew no one, and I mean no one. No one besides my immediate family, which I didn't see often at all, still dont. We lived with my grandma, but that didn't change much, I knew no-one my age. Another year and a half of alcohol and abuse came by, another year or so of depression growing worse and worse. I finally decided to go to Mims, my church. I knew no one. I walked in, Dustin (the youth leader) was the only person who introduced himself to me. I went, sat down for the entire time. No one (out of like 40-50 people) came up to me. I was alone. I went home, and I swore I would never set foot in Mims Baptist ever again. Another year or so has come and gone; the same story. More drunkenness, fighting, depression. That is when I decided that it was over, done... I was done. I attempted to kill myself. Unsuccessfully obviously, since I'm sitting here writing this. Do I regret it... yes and no. Yes, because what if? What if I HAD ended myself? I would have not had the opportunity to do as many fun things as I have... I wouldn't have been able to meet all of the wonderful people I have. No, because it wouldn't give me this chance to reflect on it now. If I had, I wouldn't have me all the amazing people I had. I was just being a self centered stupid idiot thinking the world would be better off without me. Jump a month or 2 forward. I went against my promise, and I stepped foot in Mims once more. This day would forever change me. I met Candice, an amazing friend. She persuaded me to keep coming... I did. I went to snac, and I just kept coming. We hung out so much. Next month, another time for snac. I went, she wasn't there. I was alone again. (I still hadn't met anyone else at this time). I was sitting on a chair, eating pizza all by myself. Then, Aud and Claire came up and introduced themselves to me. We hung out the entire time. Little did I know that they would impact me as much as they would. I'm dating Claire, and Aud is one of my best friends. (anyways, back to that time, approx. May 2014.) I was still depressed, though. However, through the love and friendship of all my friends, I was brought out. I was saved from my own personal hell.

(jump forward to the middle of 2016)

Life has been good. I have all the phenomenal people in my life I do (Note: Claire and I are not dating yet, we started dating in Nov. of 2016). Something happens in my life, and I just start going back downhill. I just start getting depressed again. My father is back living with us full time and his problem is still here full time. I just.. I don't know how to describe it, besides how I already have. Depression. recently, about a month ago, (as of 5/5/17) I had a thought. I had a thought that I could end myself right then and there. It could all be over. This time I didn't act on it.  This past Friday night/Saturday morning at our lock in, I asked to step out onto our balcony at the student center. The second the doors closed... I feel to my knees and started crying. For a solid 20 minutes, I was outside, crying my eyes out. No one was there, which was kind of a good thing. I tried to get Claire to come out with me, but she was really tired. So I just let her be alone like she asked. It's obvious, to me, and to my friends that I'm still depressed, though. I hate it. Claire, when you say "Just stop being sad"... it's not that easy. As much as I love you, and as much as you mean to me, I just cant do that. Claire, you are a big part of my life, I need you, and I love you. You bring light do the days that I'm sad and depressed, and you're just all around an amazing person. It's kind of weird though... because when you do say that... I kind of do stop being sad for that immediate moment... I don't really know ;-; (I hope that this kind of explains why I cant just stop being sad). Aud, you too. You're one of my best friends. You've helped me through dark times aplenty. I feel like this is a good section to leas into anxiety.

Anxiety: "1. a state of uneasiness or tension caused by apprehension of possible future misfortune, danger, etc; worry
2. intense desire; eagerness
3. (Psychology) psychol a state of intense apprehension or worry often accompanied by physical symptoms such as shaking, intense feelings in the gut, etc, common in mental illness or after a very distressing experience."
The best one that fits me, I feel is 1. However, if I were to place a definition of it, tailored to my life, it would be: "feeling that I'm going to loose everyone I have. Feeling like I'm going to loose my friends, my girlfriend, everyone."  

What's bad about that, is that all of them have already told me not to. Aud, Claire, Cady, etc, all of them. There's a feeling inside that I can't get over. I just... can't. I feel like if I do one little thing wrong, I'll loose everyone. It's stupid, I know. However, it's my greatest fear. I have this feeling of anxiety almost every day. I just cant get over it... I need some help with it.

Now, on to the bright (ish) stuff. The future.
What does my future look like? I don't know, I just don't. Something big is going to be happening... I cant get into detail, but lets just say... My mother will be getting a house, we'll both be getting vehicles, and I'll be out of my abusive relationship with that drunk. But, what about the long distance future? Like, one year, two years, three? What's going to happen? Will I still be dating Claire? I sure hope so. Cus you're an amazing person, Claire. (<3). Will I still even be here? I don't know. The future isn't bleak, but it's not exactly bright. Brighter than it is now. I don't know what else I can say about the future... so I guess I just wont. I'm still very insecure about the future. It all links back to the anxiety. I'm anxious and insecure about what's gonna happen. I'm anxious and insecure about everything. I'm... I don't know.

My name is CenaKat/Kuudere/Ian or whatever you so want to call me, and until next time.
Anxiety, Depression, Suicide, and The Future.
In this I tell you my story. What I'm going through. My hell. Please be kind.  As well if it's incorrectly placed in whatever category, let me know where to send it to.
Loading...
(NOTE: Claire, if you start reading this before we have that chance to talk, I ask that you stop until we can talk, I'd rather you find out through me IRL rather than some journal I make on DA. However, if you *must* read on, so be it. You're amazing Claire <3)

Hello everyone, my name is CenaKat. Though some of you may know me by some of my nicknames, such as Kuudere, or Kriss Neo, or you may simply know me as Ian, my name. Very recently I feel like my life, I've been starting to slide downhill again. I don't know why. I have the best church family in the world, I have the absolute best friends in the world (Lookin' at you Aud) and I have the absolute most phenomenal girlfriend ever. But... why... why do I feel like I'm falling apart? I'm going to explain some things to all y'all, and at the same time I'm going to try and discover why I feel like I do. I'm more than likely going to detail everything in the title. However, the future shouldn't be that bleak.

First off, everything bad.  
Anxiety, Depression, Suicide. (This first section mostly details Depression and Suicide.)

When I was younger I suffered with really, REALLY bad depression. Enough to prompt me to attempt to kill myself (we'll get to that later). Ever since 2008 I have been living under a parent who is constantly drunk, mentally and verbally abuse, and to be perfectly honest, a tyrant. To be honest, that is what he is; a "cruel and oppressive leader." My mother... what to say about her... she tries her best, but she can't really do much. She has a smoking addiction, and she has several mental and physical ailments that make her unable to do a lot of things we, the ones who don't have those sort of things, able to do. Growing up, I never really had any friends until I met Ashlynne in 2010/2011. She is still a great friend of mine, but since I moved to Texas I feel like we're not as close. We dont talk super often (once a week or so... maybe every 2). My father ruined several holidays back in Arizona, and she would always be there for me. When I moved to Texas back in 2012, I lost that. I lost my sense of security. (Note, I am a Christian, and I was at this time. I just... wasn't faithful.) When I moved to Texas, I knew no one, and I mean no one. No one besides my immediate family, which I didn't see often at all, still dont. We lived with my grandma, but that didn't change much, I knew no one my age. Another year and a half of alcohol and abuse came by, another year or so of depression growing worse and worse. I finally decided to go to Mims, my church. I knew no one. I walked in, Dustin (the youth leader) was the only person who introduced himself to me. I went, sat down for the entire time. No one (out of like 40-50 people) came up to me. I was alone. I went home, and I swore I would never set foot in Mims Baptist ever again. Another year or so has come and gone; the same story. More drunkenness, fighting, depression. That is when I decided that it was over, done... I was done. I attempted to kill myself. Unsuccessfully obviously, since I'm sitting here writing this. Do I regret it... yes and no. Yes, because what if? What if I HAD ended myself. No, because it wouldn't give me this chance to reflect on it now. If I had, I wouldn't have me all the amazing people I had. I was just being a self centered stupid idiot thinking the world would be better off without me. Jump a month or 2 forward. I went against my promise, and I stepped foot in Mims once more. This day would forever change me. I met Candice, an amazing friend. She persuaded me to keep coming... I did. I went to snac, and I just kept coming. We hung out so much. Next month, another time for snac. I went, she wasn't there. I was alone again. (I still hadn't met anyone else at this time). I was sitting on a chair, eating pizza all by myself. Then, Aud and Claire came up and introduced themselves to me. We hung out the entire time. Little did I know that they would impact me as much as they would. I'm dating Claire, and Aud is one of my best friends. (anyways, back to that time, approx. May 2014.) I was still depressed, though. However, through the love and friendship of all my friends, I was brought out. I was saved from my own personal hell.

(jump forward to the middle of 2016)

Life has been good. I have all the phenomenal people in my life I do (Note: Claire and I are not dating yet, we started dating Nov. 17th 2016). Something happens in my life, and I just start going back downhill. I just start getting depressed again. My father is back living with us full time and his problem is still here full time. I just.. I don't know how to describe it, besides how I already have. Depression. recently, about a month ago, I had a thought. I had a thought that I could end myself right then and there. It could all be over. This time I didn't act on it.  This past Friday night/Saturday morning at our lock in, I asked to step out onto our balcony at the student center. The second the doors closed... I feel to my knees and started crying. For a solid 20 minutes, I was outside, crying my eyes out. No one was there, which was kind of a good thing. I tried to get Claire to come out with me, but she was really tired. So I just let her be alone like she asked. It's obvious, to me, and to my friends that I'm still depressed, though. I hate it. Claire, when you say "Just stop being sad"... it's not that easy. As much as I love you, and as much as you mean to me, I just cant do that. Claire, you are a big part of my life, I need you, and I love you. You bring light do the days that I'm sad and depressed (minus the lock-in), and you're just an amazing person. Aud, you too. You're one of my best friends. You've helped me through dark times aplenty. I feel like this is a good section to leas into anxiety.

Anxiety: "1. a state of uneasiness or tension caused by apprehension of possible future misfortune, danger, etc; worry
2. intense desire; eagerness
3. (Psychology) psychol a state of intense apprehension or worry often accompanied by physical symptoms such as shaking, intense feelings in the gut, etc, common in mental illness or after a very distressing experience."
The best one that fits me, I feel is 1. However, if I were to place a definition of it, tailored to my life, it would be: "feeling that I'm going to loose everything I've worked for. Feeling like I'm going to loose my friends, my girlfriend, everyone."  

What's bad about that, is that all of them have already told me not to. Aud, Jenna, Cady, etc, all of them. There's a feeling inside that I can't get over. I just... can't. I feel like if I do one little thing wrong, I'll loose everyone. It's stupid, I know. However, it's my greatest fear. I have this feeling of anxiety almost every day. I just cant get over it... I need some help with it.

Now, on to the bright (ish) stuff. The future.
What does my future look like? I don't know, I just don't. Something big is going to be happening... I cant get into detail, but lets just say... My mother will be getting a house, we'll both be getting vehicles, and I'll be out of my abusive relationship with that drunk. But, what about the long distance future? Like, one year, two years, three? What's going to happen? Will I still be dating Claire? I sure hope so. Cus you're an amazing person, Claire. (<3). Will I still even be here? I don't know. The future isn't bleak, but it's not exactly bright. Brighter than it is now. I don't know what else I can say about the future... so I guess I just wont. I'm still very insecure about the future. It all links back to the anxiety. I'm anxious and insecure about what's gonna happen. I'm anxious and insecure about everything. I'm... I don't know.

My name is CenaKat/Kuudere/Ian or whatever you so want to call me, and until next time.
  • Listening to: LUVOROTORRRRRY
  • Reading: Texts
  • Watching: WWE: SmackDown
  • Playing: Star Trek Online
  • Eating: A Whole Box of Mac N Cheese
  • Drinking: Coffee
So I've decided against releasing a journal solely dedicated to the future. Instead, I'm opting to release a journal titled "Anxiety, Depression, Suicide, [and] The Future" (if I like it I might even release it as an actual text deviation too. Also, [and] is bracketed cus I dunno if it'll all fit XD)
I should remake the 'Red Like Roses' poster from the RWBY store. Maybe I will I dunno XD
A friend of mine is creating a The Walking Dead spinoff story, and he's given me permission to post it. So I made a new, totally TWD: Revelation dedicated page. The page is ran by me, under his authority!!!! The page is ZenUtaru So that's all I really have to say.  It'll be a while before the first chapter is posted
  • Listening to: LUVOROTORRRRRY
  • Reading: Texts
  • Watching: WWE: SmackDown
  • Playing: Star Trek Online
  • Eating: A Whole Box of Mac N Cheese
  • Drinking: Coffee
You ever just wanna rip a head off? Or maybe stab something? CUS STABBING SOMETHING SOUNDS REALLLLLY THERAPEUTIC RN
Can We Stay Like This Forever?
So this is a pretty early "gift" for my amazing girlfriend, Claire. In just under 2 weeks comes our 6 month anniversary. 6 months is kinda a big deal, so I wanted to at least do SOMETHING for it. I totally suck at doing hearts. If anyone has any advice on drawing hearts in MediBang, hmu please XDD
Loading...
Why, when everything is going great, good mood, hanging out with amazing people, how can there still be an iffy mood? I was hanging out with some amazing people (Claire and her fam) and I was enjoying myself. I was laughing, joking around, having fun. On the inside, I was just... not ok. I don't know how else to describe it 
I'm probably going to do that journal about the Future sometime tomorrow. I've just been kinda stressed recently. It's not going to be like "What the future will be like on 200 years, space travel and crap", but it's going to be talking about my personal future. We'll see I guess, but that's the best way I can explain it for now
(NOTE: Claire, if you start reading this before we have that chance to talk, I ask that you stop until we can talk, I'd rather you find out through me IRL rather than some journal I make on DA. However, if you *must* read on, so be it. You're amazing Claire <3)

Hello everyone, my name is CenaKat. Though some of you may know me by some of my nicknames, such as Kuudere, or Kriss Neo, or you may simply know me as Ian, my name. Very recently I feel like my life, I've been starting to slide downhill again. I don't know why. I have the best church family in the world, I have the absolute best friends in the world (Lookin' at you Aud) and I have the absolute most phenomenal girlfriend ever. But... why... why do I feel like I'm falling apart? I'm going to explain some things to all y'all, and at the same time I'm going to try and discover why I feel like I do. I'm more than likely going to detail everything in the title. However, the future shouldn't be that bleak.

First off, everything bad.  
Anxiety, Depression, Suicide. (This first section mostly details Depression and Suicide.)

When I was younger I suffered with really, REALLY bad depression. Enough to prompt me to attempt to kill myself (we'll get to that later). Ever since 2008 I have been living under a parent who is constantly drunk, mentally and verbally abuse, and to be perfectly honest, a tyrant. To be honest, that is what he is; a "cruel and oppressive leader." My mother... what to say about her... she tries her best, but she can't really do much. She has a smoking addiction, and she has several mental and physical ailments that make her unable to do a lot of things we, the ones who don't have those sort of things, able to do. Growing up, I never really had any friends until I met Ashlynne in 2010/2011. She is still a great friend of mine, but since I moved to Texas I feel like we're not as close. We dont talk super often (once a week or so... maybe every 2). My father ruined several holidays back in Arizona, and she would always be there for me. When I moved to Texas back in 2012, I lost that. I lost my sense of security. (Note, I am a Christian, and I was at this time. I just... wasn't faithful.) When I moved to Texas, I knew no one, and I mean no one. No one besides my immediate family, which I didn't see often at all, still dont. We lived with my grandma, but that didn't change much, I knew no one my age. Another year and a half of alcohol and abuse came by, another year or so of depression growing worse and worse. I finally decided to go to Mims, my church. I knew no one. I walked in, Dustin (the youth leader) was the only person who introduced himself to me. I went, sat down for the entire time. No one (out of like 40-50 people) came up to me. I was alone. I went home, and I swore I would never set foot in Mims Baptist ever again. Another year or so has come and gone; the same story. More drunkenness, fighting, depression. That is when I decided that it was over, done... I was done. I attempted to kill myself. Unsuccessfully obviously, since I'm sitting here writing this. Do I regret it... yes and no. Yes, because what if? What if I HAD ended myself. No, because it wouldn't give me this chance to reflect on it now. If I had, I wouldn't have me all the amazing people I had. I was just being a self centered stupid idiot thinking the world would be better off without me. Jump a month or 2 forward. I went against my promise, and I stepped foot in Mims once more. This day would forever change me. I met Candice, an amazing friend. She persuaded me to keep coming... I did. I went to snac, and I just kept coming. We hung out so much. Next month, another time for snac. I went, she wasn't there. I was alone again. (I still hadn't met anyone else at this time). I was sitting on a chair, eating pizza all by myself. Then, Aud and Claire came up and introduced themselves to me. We hung out the entire time. Little did I know that they would impact me as much as they would. I'm dating Claire, and Aud is one of my best friends. (anyways, back to that time, approx. May 2014.) I was still depressed, though. However, through the love and friendship of all my friends, I was brought out. I was saved from my own personal hell.

(jump forward to the middle of 2016)

Life has been good. I have all the phenomenal people in my life I do (Note: Claire and I are not dating yet, we started dating Nov. 17th 2016). Something happens in my life, and I just start going back downhill. I just start getting depressed again. My father is back living with us full time and his problem is still here full time. I just.. I don't know how to describe it, besides how I already have. Depression. recently, about a month ago, I had a thought. I had a thought that I could end myself right then and there. It could all be over. This time I didn't act on it.  This past Friday night/Saturday morning at our lock in, I asked to step out onto our balcony at the student center. The second the doors closed... I feel to my knees and started crying. For a solid 20 minutes, I was outside, crying my eyes out. No one was there, which was kind of a good thing. I tried to get Claire to come out with me, but she was really tired. So I just let her be alone like she asked. It's obvious, to me, and to my friends that I'm still depressed, though. I hate it. Claire, when you say "Just stop being sad"... it's not that easy. As much as I love you, and as much as you mean to me, I just cant do that. Claire, you are a big part of my life, I need you, and I love you. You bring light do the days that I'm sad and depressed (minus the lock-in), and you're just an amazing person. Aud, you too. You're one of my best friends. You've helped me through dark times aplenty. I feel like this is a good section to leas into anxiety.

Anxiety: "1. a state of uneasiness or tension caused by apprehension of possible future misfortune, danger, etc; worry
2. intense desire; eagerness
3. (Psychology) psychol a state of intense apprehension or worry often accompanied by physical symptoms such as shaking, intense feelings in the gut, etc, common in mental illness or after a very distressing experience."
The best one that fits me, I feel is 1. However, if I were to place a definition of it, tailored to my life, it would be: "feeling that I'm going to loose everything I've worked for. Feeling like I'm going to loose my friends, my girlfriend, everyone."  

What's bad about that, is that all of them have already told me not to. Aud, Jenna, Cady, etc, all of them. There's a feeling inside that I can't get over. I just... can't. I feel like if I do one little thing wrong, I'll loose everyone. It's stupid, I know. However, it's my greatest fear. I have this feeling of anxiety almost every day. I just cant get over it... I need some help with it.

Now, on to the bright (ish) stuff. The future.
What does my future look like? I don't know, I just don't. Something big is going to be happening... I cant get into detail, but lets just say... My mother will be getting a house, we'll both be getting vehicles, and I'll be out of my abusive relationship with that drunk. But, what about the long distance future? Like, one year, two years, three? What's going to happen? Will I still be dating Claire? I sure hope so. Cus you're an amazing person, Claire. (<3). Will I still even be here? I don't know. The future isn't bleak, but it's not exactly bright. Brighter than it is now. I don't know what else I can say about the future... so I guess I just wont. I'm still very insecure about the future. It all links back to the anxiety. I'm anxious and insecure about what's gonna happen. I'm anxious and insecure about everything. I'm... I don't know.

My name is CenaKat/Kuudere/Ian or whatever you so want to call me, and until next time.
  • Listening to: LUVOROTORRRRRY
  • Reading: Texts
  • Watching: WWE: SmackDown
  • Playing: Star Trek Online
  • Eating: A Whole Box of Mac N Cheese
  • Drinking: Coffee

Journal History

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:icontheyasha:
theYasha Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Alphabet H Alphabet A Alphabet P Alphabet P Alphabet Y 
Alphabet B Alphabet I Alphabet R Alphabet T Alphabet H Alphabet D Alphabet A Alphabet Y 
Birthday cake  icon 
Reply
:iconcenakat:
CenaKat Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Heyyy thanks!!! ;D
Reply
:iconelf--spirit:
Elf--Spirit Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
❤ Happy new year!Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in "2017" including me if you care. Try to collect 12 it's not easy! Be honest and send this to anyone who made u smile this year💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟💫❤💥🌟 💫💌
Reply
:iconeuderion:
Euderion Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks a million for the Dev-Watch! deviantART 
Very glad you like my artworks!!
Have a good Day!!! :salute: N7 Chat Icon Star Trek Icon
Reply
:iconcenakat:
CenaKat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Of course!  Star Trek (and coffee) is basically my lifeblood, your works are awesome!

You too!!
Reply
:iconjoran-belar:
Joran-Belar Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav on

And behold a pale Horse... by Joran-Belar

Greez
J.J.
Reply
Add a Comment: