(NOTE: Claire, if you start reading this before we have that chance to talk, I ask that you stop until we can talk, I'd rather you find out through me IRL rather than some journal I make on DA. However, if you *must* read on, so be it. You're amazing Claire <3)
Hello everyone, my name is CenaKat. Though some of you may know me by some of my nicknames, such as Kuudere, or Kriss Neo, or you may simply know me as Ian, my name. Very recently I feel like my life, I've been starting to slide downhill again. I don't know why. I have the best church family in the world, I have the absolute best friends in the world (Lookin' at you Aud) and I have the absolute most phenomenal girlfriend ever. But... why... why do I feel like I'm falling apart? I'm going to explain some things to all y'all, and at the same time I'm going to try and discover why I feel like I do. I'm more than likely going to detail everything in the title. However, the future shouldn't be that bleak.
First off, everything bad. Anxiety, Depression, Suicide. (This first section mostly details Depression and Suicide.)
When I was younger I suffered with really, REALLY bad depression. Enough to prompt me to attempt to kill myself (we'll get to that later). Ever since 2008 I have been living under a parent who is constantly drunk, mentally and verbally abuse, and to be perfectly honest, a tyrant. To be honest, that is what he is; a "cruel and oppressive leader." My mother... what to say about her... she tries her best, but she can't really do much. She has a smoking addiction, and she has several mental and physical ailments that make her unable to do a lot of things we, the ones who don't have those sort of things, able to do. Growing up, I never really had any friends until I met Ashlynne in 2010/2011. She is still a great friend of mine, but since I moved to Texas I feel like we're not as close. We dont talk super often (once a week or so... maybe every 2). My father ruined several holidays back in Arizona, and she would always be there for me. When I moved to Texas back in 2012, I lost that. I lost my sense of security. (Note, I am a Christian, and I was at this time. I just... wasn't faithful.) When I moved to Texas, I knew no one, and I mean no one. No one besides my immediate family, which I didn't see often at all, still dont. We lived with my grandma, but that didn't change much, I knew no one my age. Another year and a half of alcohol and abuse came by, another year or so of depression growing worse and worse. I finally decided to go to Mims, my church. I knew no one. I walked in, Dustin (the youth leader) was the only person who introduced himself to me. I went, sat down for the entire time. No one (out of like 40-50 people) came up to me. I was alone. I went home, and I swore I would never set foot in Mims Baptist ever again. Another year or so has come and gone; the same story. More drunkenness, fighting, depression. That is when I decided that it was over, done... I was done.
I attempted to kill myself. Unsuccessfully obviously, since I'm sitting here writing this. Do I regret it... yes and no. Yes, because what if? What if I HAD ended myself. No, because it wouldn't give me this chance to reflect on it now. If I had, I wouldn't have me all the amazing people I had. I was just being a self centered stupid idiot thinking the world would be better off without me. Jump a month or 2 forward. I went against my promise, and I stepped foot in Mims once more. This day would forever change me. I met Candice, an amazing friend. She persuaded me to keep coming... I did. I went to snac, and I just kept coming. We hung out so much. Next month, another time for snac. I went, she wasn't there. I was alone again. (I still hadn't met anyone else at this time). I was sitting on a chair, eating pizza all by myself. Then, Aud and Claire came up and introduced themselves to me. We hung out the entire time. Little did I know that they would impact me as much as they would. I'm dating Claire, and Aud is one of my best friends. (anyways, back to that time, approx. May 2014.) I was still depressed, though. However, through the love and friendship of all my friends, I was brought out. I was saved from my own personal hell
(jump forward to the middle of 2016)
Life has been good. I have all the phenomenal people in my life I do (Note: Claire and I are not dating yet, we started dating Nov. 17th 2016). Something happens in my life, and I just start going back downhill. I just start getting depressed again. My father is back living with us full time and his problem is still here full time. I just.. I don't know how to describe it, besides how I already have. Depression. recently, about a month ago, I had a thought. I had a thought that I could end myself right then and there. It could all be over. This time I didn't act on it. This past Friday night/Saturday morning at our lock in, I asked to step out onto our balcony at the student center. The second the doors closed... I feel to my knees and started crying. For a solid 20 minutes, I was outside, crying my eyes out. No one was there, which was kind of a good thing. I tried to get Claire to come out with me, but she was really tired. So I just let her be alone like she asked. It's obvious, to me, and to my friends that I'm still depressed, though. I hate it. Claire, when you say "Just stop being sad"... it's not that easy. As much as I love you, and as much as you mean to me, I just cant do that. Claire, you are a big part of my life, I need you, and I love you. You bring light do the days that I'm sad and depressed (minus the lock-in), and you're just an amazing person. Aud, you too. You're one of my best friends. You've helped me through dark times aplenty. I feel like this is a good section to leas into anxiety.
Anxiety: "1. a state of uneasiness or tension caused by apprehension of possible future misfortune, danger, etc; worry
2. intense desire; eagerness
3. (Psychology) psychol a state of intense apprehension or worry often accompanied by physical symptoms such as shaking, intense feelings in the gut, etc, common in mental illness or after a very distressing experience."
The best one that fits me, I feel is 1. However, if I were to place a definition of it, tailored to my life, it would be: "feeling that I'm going to loose everything I've worked for. Feeling like I'm going to loose my friends, my girlfriend, everyone."
What's bad about that, is that all of them have already told me not to. Aud, Jenna, Cady, etc, all of them. There's a feeling inside that I can't get over. I just... can't. I feel like if I do one little thing wrong, I'll loose everyone. It's stupid, I know. However, it's my greatest fear. I have this feeling of anxiety almost every day. I just cant get over it... I need some help with it.
Now, on to the bright (ish) stuff. The future.
What does my future look like? I don't know, I just don't. Something big is going to be happening... I cant get into detail, but lets just say... My mother will be getting a house, we'll both be getting vehicles, and I'll be out of my abusive relationship with that drunk. But, what about the long distance future? Like, one year, two years, three? What's going to happen? Will I still be dating Claire? I sure hope so. Cus you're an amazing person, Claire. (<3). Will I still even be here? I don't know. The future isn't bleak, but it's not exactly bright. Brighter than it is now. I don't know what else I can say about the future... so I guess I just wont. I'm still very insecure about the future. It all links back to the anxiety. I'm anxious and insecure about what's gonna happen. I'm anxious and insecure about everything. I'm... I don't know.
My name is CenaKat/Kuudere/Ian or whatever you so want to call me, and until next time.